Sup Fuckos,
Another year of fantasy football is upon us. I’d just like to say that I thought we had a great offseason. No one left the league, we had some solid rule changes, and somehow everyone managed to pick a keeper on time and we had a good system going into all of this. We also started up a podcast, a twitter account, and updated our entire website. I’m also holding on to a pre-draft announcement that I’m pumped about for another improvement to this league. So, congratulations to everyone in here for sticking around for another year, and a big thanks to our fearless leader Kevin Davis (2x Shiva Champion) on somehow being able to manage all of us. That should be the 1st thing on his resume.
Now, usually I make some weekly predictions in fantasy football. I talk about matchups, bring some statistics to the table that fuel some of my well-educated thoughts, and I make a prediction. Considering no one has a roster yet, I can’t really do that. Now, throughout the season I also make some predictions that some of you may view as being rather bold. Well, this article is your opportunity to hold me accountable for the stupid shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes. So, here are my bold predictions of 2019.
- The San Francisco 49ers finish the year with a better record than the Atlanta Falcons
When I drunkenly made this bet, it was in June of this year. Back then, I felt like it was a reasonable bet to make. Now, I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Jimmy G spent his offseason with his head in the clouds and his face in G-strings. It’s not good. It’s not good at all. I know that preseason football doesn’t matter, but you can’t put your starter on the field and have him throw 4 INT’s to the backup defense. That’s not a good look. I’m hoping that the 49ers can somehow manage to pull it out, as they still play 6 games in their dumpster fire of a division (besides the Rams), and the Falcons are still old and don’t have any defense. Pray for me, or I’m going to have to juggle.
Rob Gronkowski comes out of retirement the same week the Pats secure a playoff birth
Gronk is tired of getting his ass beaten down during the regular season. This monster has suffered so many injuries and has gotten so beat up in games that don’t matter. So, why not retire and miss training camp and the early games that don’t matter. And, why not come back to win another ring with the greatest team, QB, and head coach of all time. Gronk is playing 4d chess. His mind is on another level of thinking. This is the greatest drunk idea of all time.
The Cleveland Browns lose in the wild card round of the playoffs
This team is way overhyped. I feel like this prediction is what should be expected out of them, so I'm including it in here as a bold one just to cool my own jets a bit. Yes, their offense has a ton of talent. But, the team is filled with a lot of young NFL players that don’t know how to win. OBJ is a hell of a receiver, but can he keep his dumb ass shut and can a 2nd year Baker Mayfield control the personalities on this team and lead? I love Baker and have a lot of confidence that he might go down as the greatest Browns QB in the last 10 years (impressive since that puts him at the best out of like 60 QB’s). But, he’s still young. Unproven coaching, a culture of losing, and they’re from Cleveland.
The New York Jets make the playoffs
Jets low key have a lot of talent on their defense and offensive line, and Sam Darnold had a nice rookie showing considering none of his WR’s would be rostered on any other NFL team. Maybe I’m just hyped after watching that video of Adam Gase doing smelling salts in the preseason. Or the fact that I don’t know if he has the eyes of a killer or the eyes of a true football god. I don’t know why I’m about it, but I honestly think that the Jets could make the playoffs. The Dolphins are still bad, the Bills aren’t looking promising, and the Steelers should be significantly weakened this season. They might be fighting it out with the Ravens for a wild card spot, and I like the Jets over the Ravens' cause I have more faith that Sam Darnold will be healthy in the later half of the season.
Mitch Tribusky finishes this year as QB5 or better in our league
I think every Bears fan was thrilled last year as the growth of Mitch was being talked about on a national stage. Mitch had a fantastic year as the Bears QB. He finished the season 11-3 in 14 starts with a QB rating of 95.4. That gives him the 3rd highest QB rating in Chicago Bears history, behind QB legends Brian Hoyer and Josh McCown. Josh McCown doesn’t believe in touching himself, but every Bears fan is feeling themselves after that sophomore year performance. Mitch comes into his 3rd year in the league with more experience, and if he shows anywhere close to the amount of growth he showed last year, he’s going to be a force to be reckoned with. In a league with so many good QBs, I wouldn’t be surprised if a healthy Mitch finds his way into the upper tier of QBs thanks to his legs.
Quick Hits
I have a 1/10 shot at getting this one right and the dude is getting married this year and bought his own place. The perfect time to add some spice into his marriage as they aren’t ready for kids yet, so why not introduce a 4 foot tall trophy to the bedroom scene.
- Zeke misses over half the season
He’s sitting out right now, and he’s still going to serve at least 4 games for smoking pot or hitting a girl again.
- Phillip Rivers doesn’t have any kids this year
- Ross & Naughton get each other off in a closet during draft weekend when they start talking about how the playoff teams should be decided by Points Scored instead of W-L
- LeVeon Bell DOESN’T get busted for smoking weed
Ross has less than 6 players from Alabama/the Atlanta Falcons at the end of the 2019 Fantasy Football Season
- Drew Brees doesn’t regress from last year. In fact, he wins league MVP.
- Miranda (Jenny) saves Kevin’s team with her fantasy advice...again
- Jason Witten tears his ACL, retires mid season, and is immediately hired as an analyst for Fox
- Jeff Fischer is hired as a head coach OR coordinator mid season
- Ron Rivera is the first head coach to lose their job this season
- Dwayne Haskins will be the best rookie QB
- Texans make it to the AFC Championship game
- Josh Rosen finishes the season better than QB15
- Carson Wentz plays more than 14 regular season games this season
- The Sacko trophy has a new name at the end of this season
- This is Cam Newton’s final season in the NFL. He retires.
- Antonio Brown, Le’Veon Bell, JuJu Smith-Schuster, and Big Ben get in at least 1 twitter war this season
- Mike McCarthy gets picked up as an offensive coordinator mid season and has success
- I don’t throw up on draft weekend