The Great Offseason Shuffle of 2016:
Lots of changes here, I’ll start with this one.
Tom Lindholm’s Eulogy:
Who the fuck convinced us all to add this kid to the League. I would’ve rather played against one of our Dad’s than this pot smoking monkey. He refused to set a lineup, and the worst part was we were going to have him be in the League next year until he backed out at the last second. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Matt Davis more pissed off then when that happened. And that’s saying something, cause I’m an absolute chimp with computers. Not to mention the fact that I work at like 20% attention span given to 3 things with another 40% just being off in space thinking about why I suck at Fantasy Football. I don’t know what the fuck else to say about this kid. When he wrote in Eddie Royal in the 12th round we all knew deep down that it was over. RIP Tom.
10 Man League:
Oh baby. This is when shit got real. The Family and the FamiLy expanded when we added Josh, Ryan, and Tyler + Miles to the league with a tag team duo of Bang Dem Sticks. Rivalries started to come to fruition, we have 4 members in the same damn family eating at the Thanksgiving table together and talking shit across the table. That’s alright, as long as none of them are gay grammy was alright with them saying they’d fuck each other in the ass. Also, the playoffs were changed from 2 rounds which took up 2 weeks to 3 rounds which took up 3 weeks. Honestly, great change. 1 week matchups are fun and are like football. Also, you don’t have to deal with your best players sitting in week 17. Also, the 1st two seeds get a first round bye and you can make a glory run from the 6th seed to make it to the Shiva Bowl. Everything about this is great. Another great call from our fearless leader and commissioner – Kevin Davis.
2016 Draft Order:
Still to this day one of the greatest masterpieces we’ve had in this league. It was The Bachelor with Ben Higgins. How dreamy is this guy. Jake got the first choice of pick riding off the back of JoJo who was an absolute smoke and should’ve won. Just saying.
Owner
Team Name
Win
Loss
End Pos.
Matt Davis
Ryan Smith’s Tears
9
4
Shiva
Jake Kerr
Penetrating Your A-Hole
10
3
2
Tyler (& Miles) Colon
Bang Dem Sticks
8
5
3
Ross Davis
AldenDicks In Smith
7
6
4
Josh Kerr
Mr Fifth Place
6
7
5
Ryan Smith
Ross is Content With Mediocrity
7
6
6
Drew
Ryan Leaf Has Been ReLEAFed
4
9
7
Ryan Naughton
Mr. Almost 6th Place
5
8
8
Kevin Davis
Stelanie’s Double TD’s
3
10
9
Matt “Cubby” Samuelson
Andre's Handjibbers
6
7
Sacko
Draft Location: Rockford Speedway
Draft Day Memories – I remember pulling up to grab Naughton and Mr. Naughton was like “no alcohol is going to be consumed correct?” Kevin that’s when I knew you were a fucking snake cause you looked that grown ass man dead in the eye and gave him the straightest no I’ve ever seen in my life. Mr. Naughton, I apologize if you’re reading this but ya we drank. Some more then others (looking at you Smith, Matt & Josh). This draft was epic. I thought going to Rockford just to be surrounded by townies and rednecks wasn’t going to be fun. Boy was I wrong. This draft featured a Chipotle & smoke break from Matt and Josh, Ryan Smith proving to Josh that he was in fact in a fraternity and can party with the boys, and Josh proving to us that despite being an adult he could still party with the boys. Draft day attire was formalized this year with jerseys and goodwill jackets being the standard. Naughton brought cargo shorts in order to carry all of the panties he was dropping at the event. Josh bought us a bit too much beer once we got into the Speedway and I don’t think we finished it all. All I know is that it was a great and successful draft.
Sacko Punishments for Cubby:
- Retake the ACT
- Carry a dildo in your backpack for the semester. League members may ask for proof at anytime.
- Wear a fedora whenever you’re at an event with League members until the next draft.
Fuck you guys, I did them all.