History of the League
Greetings and salutations, morons.
When I volunteered myself to be the League historian, I thought that things would be better. I didn’t think I’d be reporting that I’m missing the playoffs and in the Sacko Bowl each year. I didn’t think I’d have to say that I got a 26 on the ACT in my parent’s basement with no recollection of the science section. And despite me scoring better than half of you slammed, I still suck at Fantasy Football. This is by far the most demoralizing thing I do for the entire year and has been the past 4 years I haven’t made the playoffs. On top of that, I didn’t think that I’d have to remember all of the dumb shit that you fuckers do on a daily basis. Do I have to start taking screenshots of when we start chimpin’ out in the chat? It’s literally impossible to remember everything. And, I have to be the historian. And, our fearless Shiva ’16 champion’s old server broke which had all of the old shit I wrote for this. I didn’t play this league to suck at Fantasy Football and I didn’t become to historian to put up with this shit.
What I do know, is that it’s 3 o’clock at my workplace and I don’t have shit to do. Usually in college at this is the time where I’d be in my dorm room smashing noobs in League of Legends at the bar smashing brewskis and hitting on chicks…? Ya, I didn’t do any of that in college. But as Kevin McCormick said in the first episode of the League – “No wife, no job, just pure football knowledge.” Did that kid lick a hotdog? Yes. Was he 8 years old? Yes. But, I’m pretty much the fucking oracle this year. I don’t talk to girls like ever and I’ve never had a girlfriend during the fantasy season. Meanwhile, you are all distracted with fiance’s, moving in with girlfriends, moving away from girlfriends, Ex’s on draft day, tinder, girls from high school on tinder, sorority girls, etc. The list goes on. I haven’t gotten an OTPHJ in 2 years and she went on to bang 2 other dudes that week. It takes some of the drama out of your life if you just live in loneliness.
It’s 2018, and I work for a company that does has weekly Fantasy Football games. I get to stare at a social media feed filled with fantasy knowledge from experts. If I don’t make the playoffs this year, I’m more than just a fucking failure. Honestly, I’m just tired of Ross justifying all of his arguments with “well make the playoffs.” It doesn’t matter how dumb his opinion is, he can justify it with that bull shit. And the worst part is: he’s right. I could say Aaron Rodgers is the best QB in the NFL and if someone says “you’re wrong, make the playoffs” they have a valid point. That’s what I love about Fantasy Football. It doesn’t matter how right or wrong you are. It just matters how big you think your dick is. And that’s why I’m coming after everyone as the Big Dick Bandits. I’m going to make everyone feel smaller than when you jump in a 60 degree pool. And, you’re going to get taken down by my condescending asshole who is a virgin, has a gay nickname, and makes way too many gay jokes (see this sentence). Get ready to be demoralized this year as I prepare to lose my virginity to Shiva on New Year’s Eve (oh ya, I’m feeling 22). But first, here’s a recap of our league so far.
Honorable Eulogy: Peter O’Brien
This kid deserves an honorable mention, and is one of the reasons why our league is where it’s at today. And where our league is at today: speed, violence, utter annihilation, and full seriousness. Peter wasn’t exactly about that. From taking Brandon Marshall in the 1st round, to taking 5 Bears players in his entire draft, to trading his entire team to Kevin just to piss Jake off. Peter didn’t take the League seriously. He’s a classic Bears fan. Says 8-8, and then goes and sucks a cock for the year. Not to mention the fact that throughout high school, Peter owed all of us a significant amount of money (like $500) and had a knack for pissing us off. So, we decided to take it more seriously. We kicked Peter O’Brien and added Ryan Smith, arguably a bigger douche. But, he’s our douche and we love him and his inappropriate videos. And, he actually pays his entry fee.
Year 0 (2014) – Kevin Davis wins the League and purchases Shiva.
Honestly that’s about all there is to know and all I remember.