2-3 last week. Kevin is a chache. Ross is a chache. Smith, why do you shit the bed whenever I talk you up. I tried to be nice, I’ve tried to say your team isn’t that bad. What the fuck was last week? You had some pieces on bye but man you put up a good score the week before. Ross, congrats on beating Tyler and Miles with Dion Lewis and the Titans defense. Congrats to Dion Lewis for being fantasy relevant once this year. Jake shit on Drew, Kevin went off against Josh who still had a solid week. Fuck you all to people that claim I’m less than .500 because I base my beliefs off of matchups and stats. I’m not a projections bitch, I have my own views and opinions that I lay out in these columns. No one else is shitting on me after these predictions. I usually say or admit when I pick some upsets in which I go against my own logic for a gut feeling. Whatever, I don’t see anyone else putting up content (besides Kevin, shoutout to him. And Matt who takes care of this, that’s work. And the occasional Drew rant, which I very much appreciate. And Tyler, who reminds us every week that Kevin didn’t select Todd Gurley). Anyway, let’s dive into this.
Cubby’s Commiserable Chode vs. Bang Dem Sticks
Smith after 9 weeks of defending you I’m done. Your team looks worse than that overinflated ass Kim Kardashian was rocking last year. You’re team has reached paraplegic status, we thank you for your service and feel bad for the fact that you are going to be facing inevitable sacko punishments. Can you at least figure some shit out or utilize the fact you’ve been #1 on the waiver wire for the entire season to do something good with your team? Just to make the Sacko bowl a little more interesting? You’ve legit been the cum dumpster of the league, and that’s not going to change at all this week as the Colon’s violate you. If someone put you in a picture in front of the Colon’s and threw the Brazzers logo on it, it’d be way too legit. (Can someone plz do that btw?)
Rudolph the no Catch Reindeer vs. The Kidney Shifter
Matt’s got a good chance to pull out a win this week. Kareem Hunt is back to Kreamy Cunt status and he’s dropping titties left and right all over the league. Sony Michel is back at just the right time as Matt has to win out or at least go 3-1 in order to make the playoffs. Russell Wilson is playing the Rams who have shown some weaknesses on the defensive end, Jimmy Graham can work the middle of the field and is still a major red zone target for Aaron Rodgers against the Dolphins, and Marvin Jones Jr. is bound to put up points as the Lions won’t be able to run the ball against the Bears. That said, there are some bad WR matchups on both sides. Hilton is up against Jalen Ramsey, and Tyreek Hill is up against Patrick Peterson, both elite CBs. Matchups aside, hate to be a projections bitch here but Jake has the better team pound for pound. Melvin Gordon is against the Raiders, Jake has OBJ against the 49ers (against Richard Sherman) but that’s ok. If Jake starts Howard in the flex and sits Tyreek Hill, he wins easily.
Jake Loves His Sloppy Seconds vs. Cubby’s Cleanup Crew
Name game is strong in this game. Kevin has already unleashed a campaign against Ryan Naughton after his team has unleashed a campaign on the league’s cumulative assholes the past few weeks. 150 burgers? Kevin, you’ve successfully turned your team around. I underestimated Miranda’s fantasy advice and ability to run your team, she truly is a keeper. Think about it: Kevin draft’s an ass team with us. Now he goes back to GB where he lives with his girlfriend and trade fucks his way to having a great team. Anyway, Michel being back means James White comes back down to earth. Tarik Cohen isn’t going to do much again this week as the Bears are likely to run it down the Lions throats with Howard who has had 4 TD’s in the last 3 weeks and is up against one of the worst rushing defenses in the league. With their defense being the best in the League, the Bears are going to start assuming a more risk averse style with Howard as I warned everyone in the League a few weeks back when Cohen had 4 straight games of increased time on the field over Howard. JHow is back and I’m excited as a Bears fan, it’s nice to have a coach with a brain again. Anyway, Naughton’s team is at full strength minus Thielen. Honestly think the Packers wreck the Dolphins and Ingram doesn’t see that many points again this week. Naughton’s team has looked like it’s strolling into retirement the last few weeks and I think that trend continues. McCaffrey goes off, Kevin takes the W and over inflates himself in the power rankings for the 3rd week straight.
Mr. Fifth Place vs. Kiss Dem Titties Mitch
Love this matchup. Drew has some interesting starts this week with 4 players on a bye. Humphries dropped as many points as he did in the first 6 weeks of the season (week 5 bye for TB) last week and he stumbled his way into Drew’s lineup. Dion Lewis, who is coming off of his 2 best weeks of his season, against the Pats gets the nod. Austin Eckler who has been a viable RB2/3 is starting against Oakland and Mike Davis, who has either scored 3 points or 14 points (not even kidding) this year. Josh has a solid lineup this week. He’s got Kelce and Fitzgerald in the KC vs. Ari game, Wentz and Zeke in the Dal vs. Phi game, and Boyd up against the Saints and Brieda against the GMen. Josh, betting on you again, don’t let me down. 5-5 Josh given his tiebreaker scenarios could make things really interesting.
Big Dick Bandits vs. T C M
Saved a lot of my research for this matchup as it is my own, is probably the most hyped up this week and I’m apart of it. I’m going to prove why my team is better this week and beat Ross with the one thing he doesn’t have: brains. And, beat Ross at his own game: mediocrity. Here are some stats. Cooper Kupp leads all receivers in passer rating (157) when facing off coverage (5+ yards of cusion). Seattle’s slot corner, Justin Coleman, allows 6.8 yards of cushion on average which is 10th most in the NFL. The Bengals are allowing on average 32.9 points to RB’s in the past 4 games and this week they face Alvin Kamara and Mark Ingram. Ingram is likely still not 100% which means more work for Kamara. And, when he’s a work horse, he’s an absolute beast. The Jets Defense plays against the Bills with Josh Allen…but do I need to say more? Here’s a tidbit from Matthew Berry’s Love/Hate this week about your Bama boy: Amari Cooper. “Cooper was targeted on 25.8 percent of Dak Prescott’s pass attempts, and he should continue to be fed the ball. In Cooper’s three games with more than five targets this season, he’s averaging 21.7 fantasy PPG. The Eagles give up the most receptions per game (12.38) and the second-most yards per game (157.13) to players lined up wide (where Cooper will play the majority of snaps), and they allow the fourth-most fantasy points per game to wideouts this season (43.6). As of this writing (Wednesday afternoon), three members of their secondary showed up on the injury report, including Jalen Mills and Corey Graham.” The Redskins have allowed the 6th most points to WRs since week 6, and face the top passing attack in the NFL this week in the Tampa Bay Bucs. I have Mike Evans, who put up 2.1 fantasy points in our league last week. Is he going to do that again? No. On the other side of the ball, Coleman has seen an even split with Ito Smith in carries and put up twice as many fantasy points last week compared to his 2nd best week of the season thanks to hauling in 3 pass TD’s from my QB: Matt Ryan. Is Coleman good for 10 this week? Probably. But, I have a fresh Leonard Fournette. ESPN’s Jags Insider believes that Fournette is going to be the primary back and the team may employ a run heavy approach against the Colts to slow down Luck and reestablish an offense. Last year, Fournette averaged 23 touches a game. George Kittle has brought in all 3 of his TD’s this season in the last 6 weeks and is 3rd in TE receiving yards this season behind Zach Ertz and Travis Kelce. He also had his best game of the year with Nick Mullins in his first start, who is going to start again this week against the NYG. Matt Ryan has similar, if not slightly better stats so far this year compared to where he was during his 2016 MVP campaign. You get more points when he throws to Julio Jones and Tevin Coleman, but I still get a piece of the points. As for your team, Mack is nursing a foot injury and hasn’t been a full participant in practice and goes up against the Jags defense who are in the middle of the pack, but could be better if they’re able to slow down on turnovers and get more first downs with Fournette back. The Steelers haven’t given up more than 11 Fantasy Points to a tight end since week 5. Notable that Travis Kelce took a massive dump on them in week 2. Phillip Rivers has been massive this year and goes up against the Raiders in what should be a pounding. David Johnson has been good since Leftwich took over, and has a solid matchup against KC. Game pacing shouldn’t be a factor as Johnson is also a threat in the passing game, but KC’s defense has been improving and getting better at pressuring the QB. This will encourage AZ to run the ball more as KC is the worst run defense in the league, giving up 5.2 yards a rush and 11 TDs to RB’s this season. The Pats should be able to get 10+ points against the Titans. Will Lutz > Cody Parkey. The Browns are averaging giving up 183 yards and 1 TD a game to WR’s. That’s pretty good compared to the rest of the league, and Ross does rely a lot on Julio Jones to produce. He’s a beast and I expect the Falcons offense to top this, but Denzel Ward is legit and the Browns young secondary is pretty solid. Their defense hasn’t been the issue, the team is an anomaly with their record and a +10 TO margin. Those are the stats. Say what you will, but Ross is going down this week. I have the better players starting this week with a healthy roster, and I have the better matchups. I’ll bet on that every time.
Prediction Summary
Smith < Colon’s
Matt < Jake
Kevin > Naughton
Josh > Drew
Cubby > Ross
Predicted Week 10 Standings
- Tyler (7-3)
- Cubby (7-3)
- Kevin (6-4)
- Drew (6-4)
- Naughton (6-4)
- Josh (5-5)
- Jake (5-5)
- Ross (5-5)
- Matt (3-7)
- Smith (Defeated)