Hey guys, hope you all enjoyed my playoff scenario video. Had a lot of fun prepping for that and I hope you all enjoyed some of the jokes I had. I know I had to contain myself because I’m used to laughing at my own jokes. I’m a loser like that.
But, what I’m not a loser at this year is Fantasy Football. As you all learned, I’m guaranteed the top spot in the league going into the playoffs. This means a 1st round bye and home field advantage. That’s at least 4 points to me in the spread. Anyways, I don’t want to hear the fact that I have the 6th most points scored. Don’t want to hear from Ross he would’ve beaten my team every other week we played except the one we did. A dub is a dub and that’s the truth in sports and fantasy sports. Someone may get lucky, and someone may get unlucky (look at Josh). Anyway, I’ll see you if you make it into the 2nd round of the playoffs just like Fournette will see you in the playoffs. Dude puts on a helmet and runs onto the field to fight someone to get suspended for a game. That’s bad ass, and he keeps himself fresh for me in the playoffs. Love you Fournette. Don’t know what my record is anymore cause I’m not scrolling up in the GroupMe. I’ve above .500, lets just say that. Let’s get into some matchups.
Cubbys Cleanup Crew vs. Cubbys Commiser Chode
Nice team name guys. Smith, your team chokes harder on cock than Michigan football. Naughton wins, this matchup is more irrelevant than the skid on the bottom of Matt Davis’ panties.
Mr. Fifth Place vs. Rudolph the No Catch Reindeer
You are both the oldest members of the league and are thus irrelevant in the playoff race. Can’t keep up with the young kids. This matchup is like Ted Cruz vs. Bernie Sanders. Idk what to say about this. Josh’s team is much better but injuries might help Matt out. Josh wins anyway.
Jake Loves His Sloppy Seconds vs. Kidney Shifter
Alright let’s get into the good shit. This matchup is dynamite. A win gets Kevin a playoff bye, a loss puts Jake at risk of dropping out of the playoffs. Also, these are probably the two best teams in the league if you look at the points scored. Jake scored 151 points with the Chiefs on bye. Everyone else in the league should be shitting themselves. Nick Chubb has Jake full mast and the rest of us feeling shrinkage. That said, Melvin Gordon is out for this one. But Gronk is 100% and Jake can throw JuJu in the flex. He also has Tyreek Hill and OBJ. Got this team is fucking stupid. Is this the year Jake doesn’t choke in the playoffs? We will have to find out cause I’ve got Jake taking the W as the Kerr’s defeat the Davis’.
T C M vs. The Big Dick Bandits
So funny story. At the bar Kevin thought my ex-girlfriend (Alina) was actually Lucy who was there. Miranda was impressed. Ross, when you dated her she was practically bald. This matchup is perfect as Ross shit on me with Le’Veon Bell last year to knock my ass out of the playoffs. We have a great rivalry. I’ve constantly shit on Ross for his girlfriends while he’s constantly shit on me for not having any girlfriends or simply girls in my live. Well, a few weeks back I got the best of Ross. Now, Ross gets to take his revenge tour as a win puts him in the playoffs if the Colons lose. That said, what would be more of a Cubby Move than getting knocked out at the playoffs in the last week of the league? Fournette asserting his Alpha Male Status on the Bills in a Jags loss did get him suspended for this week, but I have to applaud that behavior. I want my team to come off of benches and throw on their helmets just to beat the shit out of some guy and get ejected from a game. Don’t let anyone else fool you: that’s fucking awesome. This guy dropped his junk on the table to protect his team and ate a game for it. This is why I kept the dude on my roster all year despite him missing like every damn game. Did I mention that despite my 2nd round pick doing this, I’m still the top seed in the league going into the playoffs? Ross, you broke my heart last year. I’m going to break your heart this year. I win in a very close matchup.
Bang Dem Sticks vs. Kiss Dem Titties Mitch
The Colons fall from grace has been harder than Tyler’s fall from fame after he perfect matched with a perfect 10. James Conner and Todd Gurley went from dropping dukies all over the league to looking like dukies on the field in James Conner’s case. Dude has gotten butterfingers after he realized Bell wasn’t coming back at all and he got his head knocked onto another planet. Dude still thinks he’s on Mars. The Colons wide receivers are also struggling with balls as they’ve failed to produce anything. His team looks like mine when I had everyone on bye and Kamara getting some time off after averaging 30 points a week when Ingram was out. Drew has been struggling after his 5-0 start but this is his time to turn it around. With Gordon hurt, he has Eckler and Antonio Brown has been getting those red zone touches like it was the glory days of 2015 back again. A loss and a Ross Win means the Colons are out of the playoffs. Thankfully for the Colons, I’m going to beat Ross so the fact that Drew smacks them around like they’re Smith for the week.
Playoff Picture
- Cubby
- Kevin
- Drew
- Colons
- Naughton
- Jake
- (not in order, I covered all that last night)
Sacko Bowl Picture
- Josh
- Ross
- Matt
- League Cum Dumpster Smith
That playoff feeling