Ya, we’re talking about the playoffs. Gotta be honest guys, I’m in uncharted territory. Instead of being terrified of losing the Sacko bowl, I’m looking at the Shiva. It feels like I’m actually talking to a girl, I have no idea what the fuck to do next. I don’t play another team this week? I didn’t even think that was possible in this league. But, I’m somehow the top dog out of all you. Teams that had Dalvin Cook and Leonard Fournette across other leagues found themselves sorry for their misfortunes and wound up in the Sacko Bowl. I’m the 1st seed in this league sitting at 10-3. You should all be embarrassed. It’s actually sad that I’m the #1 seed, even I’ll say it. But, let this be a lesson to everyone. Points scored doesn’t matter. The Jags won with 2 field goals this past week in a game that was 6-0. Defense wins championships, and if you look at it that way I’m bound to win the Shiva. I’ve played the best defense all year, I’m the damn Chicago Bears. And, all the shit talk I received this week almost led me to create a video. I’m tired of all the bull shit my team receives on a weekly basis when I was top dog in the regular season. I get 0 respect around here, and I would’ve made a video. But, I’m on a bye week. Taking a few days off, might not even watch the football games this weekend. You’re actually lucky I even participated in the group chat this week or the fact that I’m writing my weekly predictions. I’m the God of this league and the bye week should be my Sabbath. But, champions like Kobe Bryant don’t take days off and I’m still grinding out the rest of the fantasy season. Gotta enjoy the last few weeks before I don’t have a life for the next 9 months. Let’s get into it with the lamer matchups first: the Wildcard Round.
#3 Cubby Cleanup Crew vs. #6 Here Cum My Nuts.
There Drew, I gave you your playoff name. Gotta be honest, this was the same scenario that Drew had in 2015 when he won the whole damn thing. Antonio Brown, a low seed in the playoffs, and 0 expectations for his team. This matchup gets interesting because while Naughton was sitting as top dog of the league for the middle half of the season, his team decided to hire Hue Jackson and went to immediate shit. The last minute texts we all receive from Naughton on Sunday morning deciding who to start shows how little confidence he has in his squad, and that’s not good for the playoffs. Looking at the matchups and players, Naughton has the hire seed, more points scored, and the stronger roster overall. Saquon Barkley’s thunder thighs have carried Naughton real far this year, and proving that he was a solid first round pick in the #6 slot. Naughton has Keenan Allen against the Bengals. Phillip Rivers is going to inseminate Hue Jackson and you know old man Keenan Allen wants in on the action. White Lightening 2 Adam Thielen tried to act like he was a thug last week by calling out the other team’s coach. That coach just so happened to be Bill Belichick and while it looked violent on the field, pretty sure Belichick was just yelling “hey come play for me next year and win a championship.” Also here’s a pledge it that Thielen has for his foundation so he’s still White Lightening 2. Drew Brees and Mark Ingram head into Tampa Bay to play the Bucs who are so bad that they have to give out free tickets just to get people to show up to their game. But, they somehow won last week against the Panthers and the Saints lost against the Cowboys. The NFL returns to reality and Drew Brees puts it in their pooper on his MVP campaign/retirement season. Drew’s team gets Kerryon Johnson back this week, but what’s up with Cam Newton? Dude threw 4 picks last week and I’ve seen potato guns have more strength and accuracy then the shit he put up last week. That could break Drew, along with the fact that he traded away White Lightening. That said, Drew is a drunk Irishman and when it comes down to big games you know that he’s going to perform in the bar, in the pregame street fight, throughout the game, the post game street fight, and the bar after the post game street fight where the losers buy the winners round. Antonio Brown is going to be the Gruden Grinder of the week (literally), Eckler gets to face the Bengals and if Gordon is still out this week (unlikely) that would be huge. He can also start Dion Lewis against the Jags if Drew is feeling “dangerous” or in my own words “retarded.” But, I just think this game comes down to a healthy Cam. And, the Browns at home are a tough team to beat. Can Naughton start the right tight end? Does it even matter? Drew, you might want to tighten up your end cause I have Naughton winning this one. Ya, lame closing joke but just run with it.
#4 Bang Dem Sticks vs. #5 The Kidney Shifter
2 teams that have a history of making Shiva bowl runs and one of them is going to be relegated to play in the Cubby bowl. That sucks, but makes for a great first round matchup. Pretty sure everyone in the playoffs is rooting for the Colon’s in this one because we’d rather put up with Tyler’s bull shit for a week then potentially have to face Jake. The Kidney Shifter’s are horrifying. Like every player on that roster is good. The line on this game is 17.2 according to ESPN fantasy football. Like all Jake has done is produce. He’s choosing between Nick Chubb, dinged up Melvin Gordon, and JuJu Smith-Schuster for his flex. All 3 of those players would be starting on the Colon’s roster this week, as they’re missing James Conner who has quite frankly carried their team this season considering they grabbed him off waivers. The Colon’s wide receiver core looks like a homeless village, and their matchups are complete ass this week. I wish I had as many jokes for this as I did for the Drew vs. Naughton matchup but I think I’m just going to save them for the real clown fiesta that is the Sacko bowl because odds are I get my ass fucked by Jake next week. Tyler, win this one for me baby. You might be my only chance to lose my Shiva virginity.
Mr. Fifth Place vs. Going Full Retard
It’s the salty bowl! The two most butt hurt players in the league face off in the first week of the dreaded sacko bowl in a matchup that’s likely to entertain. Josh is salty because his team is actually good and he has to play against these shitters cause he got butt fucked by his brother and younger cousin in the last few weeks of the season. Ross is mad because his team let him down at the end of the season in a choke that was almost as bad as game 7 of the Houston Rockets vs. the Golden State Warriors this past year where the Rockets missed 37 3-point attempts. And no, game 7 of an NBA series is the only game that’s not rigged in the playoffs. And he went 0-2 this season against Cubby and that just has to not feel good. But, I think we can all learn a lesson from Ross and that’s to not bring your ex-girlfriend to any venue in which Shiva is present, let alone the sacred Draft Day. Not to mention the fact Ross has probably been staring at Shiva this entire season and like any girl, she’s just tired of it and wants to move on. But, for this matchup no one wants to face Josh in the sacko bowl. That’s a playoff team, it’s like facing Kentucky in the NIT tournament. You can’t keep up with the talent and you’re most likely going to get fucked. For Ross, things aren’t looking ideal. Matt Ryan has gone on a cold streak and Julio Jones suffered last week. Hopkins did drop a season high 27.9 points against the Colts in week 4, but who the fuck is Ian Thomas at tight end? Also, the plug and play for Jaylen Samuels (Smith and Matt, are you even trying?) may be big for Ross as Marlon Mack isn’t god anymore. Josh actually has a rock solid lineup and should go undefeated in the Sacko Bowl. Congrats on selling your house, I can’t make fun of you because I actually feel bad that you’re not in the playoffs.
Cubbys Commiser Chode vs. Rudolph the No Catch Reindeer
The matchup of the Sacko bowl could very easily be taking place week 1, as Ryan Smith looks for his first win of the year and Matt Davis looks to prove that he is not the back to back sacko early in the tournament. Matt’s Sacko Bowl veterancy could prove to be a prominent factor in this matchup as both teams are utter shit. Alshon Jeffrey and Doug Baldwin have combined for 22 points over the past 2 weeks. That’s brutal. Trey Burton can’t catch a damn football and has 4.2 points over the past 3 weeks. There’s a reason Smith is 0-13, but can he pull some magic off of his bench? Probably not. This looks like a classic Jay Cutler Bears’ roster where you’re just like “who the fuck caught that pass?” But, Jay Cutler was actually the best QB in Bears history, while Smith’s team might be the worst we’ve seen in League history. Matt Davis made some nice moves in the middle of the season, but Sony Michel getting hurt really shoved everything up his ass. Not to mention losing Kareem Hunt for the season kicked him down to the bottom of the standings. Matt’s team is crippled but is likely to not be investigated by his incompetent opponent. Jeff Wilson Jr. was a big pickup (again Smith c’mon man) and Tarik Cohen might be the only chance to Bears have to cover the spread. With Matt’s new addition it should be enough to change the fact that he lost Kareem “some of my best friends are women” Hunt and get him the W over Smith.
Predicted Playoff Matchups
#1 Big Dick Bandits vs. #5 The Kidney Shifter
#2 Jake Loves His Sloppy Seconds vs. #3 Cubby Cleanup Crew
Cubby Bowl
#4 Bang Dem Sticks vs. #6 Here Cum My Nuts.
Sacko Standings
Josh + Matt (1-0)
Smith + Ross (0-1)
Do we deal with Tyler’s bull shit, or risk getting fucked by Jake?
Drew Marsh