So close to football, I can almost taste the excessive amounts of food and beer I consume every Sunday when the pigskin is being tossed on the television. I can almost pitch the tent I go after every single time I hear Scott Hanson speak to me the baby-making music that goes like “And 7 hours of commercial free football starts now.” I gave myself a Cub Chubb just writing that and now reading it again. And, what better way to start off the football season can we have then a Bears vs. Packers Thursday Night game. Unarguably the greatest rivalry in football, and arguably the greatest rivalry in all of sports: 2 teams from the best division in football take to the field right off the bat. I cannot wait to wear my jersey to work, and I cannot wait to give you my predictions.
As we remember from last year, I wrote weekly predictions so you all had some references to call me out on my bullshit, and I had some material to say “I told you so.” That’s not stopping this year, actually I’m doubling down on it as we will be going over my weekly predictions on the podcast. Last year, I was just a hair above .500 on my predictions, and I’m excited to try and be above average once again this year as I guess if the coin lands on heads or tails. Especially going into week 1 of the season. How am I supposed to guess roster strength or who is going to win, when we haven’t seen a minute of real football played since the Championship Games (best weekend of football of all time) last year. The Super Bowl was more of a clinical than a game.
Anyway, here we go. Brilliant scheduling from our 2x champion and owner of my bunghole in the Shiva Bowl, Kevin Davis, as we have rematches from the last week of last year’s season.
Cubby’s Commissioner Chode vs. Cubby’s Bengal Tiger Moves (Smith vs. Ross)
The league’s true frat superstars face off early to see who can assert dominance. Smith had a solid draft remotely, taking both favorites AP and Baker Mayfield to further assert the fact that he has the biggest dick in the league. Ross got his fair share of Bama & Falcons players, and some good pieces to trade for Julio Jones later in the season. Things to watch will be the RB2 matchup, as Zeke has returned just in time to feast on those fantasy points, and Gurley’s usage might be one of the biggest storylines in the NFL week 1. That said, week 1 I like the fact that Smith has most of his important players playing at home, and Ross has to take Matt Ryan and Devonta Freeman into Minnesota where the Vikings will be hungry to prove that they’re better than last year. Smith, I bet on you a lot last year and you fucked me everytime. I believe in your team, don’t fuck me this year.
Smith 115 - 98 Ross
Potion Seller vs. Mr. Fifth Place (Matt vs. Josh)
The wisest members of the league rematch as they both narrowly escaped being the Sacko. Wait, only Josh did that. Matt just escaped more than .500% of his Sacko punishments in the last 2 years. But hey, I respect that percentage. This year, Josh took the 1st pick in the draft and put together a power roster early in the draft. He did take a few hits though, taking AJ Green who is still out, and Damien Williams whose ranking dropped after he was picked because of the Hyde acquisition. Matt has the best WR core in the entire league with Hill, Diggs, and Julio, and did a nice job of having decent RB’s with his keeper Michel and Derrick Henry who could be massive if Mariota stays healthy and the Titans use him primary back. I like both teams, but I see the Bears Packers game being low scoring and Josh has a lot of stock in that game. Going with Matt Davis week 1. Josh, you’re still my pick to win the Shiva.
Matt 112 - 92 Josh
Bang Dem Sticks vs. Kerryon My Wayward Son (Colon Bros vs. Drew)
Drew, I love your team. I really do like your team the more I look at it...wait I just saw D.J. Moore starting on your roster. Ya, might want to fix that. Besides that blemish, you drafted yourself a solid roster and had a great keeper with great value. I really think that Drew and Smith might run the league this year. That said, I love how Tyler & Miles took an absolute flyer on Lamar Jackson. I don’t know if I included this in my bold prediction, but I did say it in the GroupMe. He’s going to break rushing records at his position this year, and be a fantasy viable QB. Thought that was an excellent pick, and that’s you’re only QB so you’re 4 balls deep on this one. Love it. It’s early in the season. I really like Drew’s starters but I love the Colon’s bench when I see Will Fuller, Jaylen Samuels to lock down the PIT RB’s, and Allen Robinson who was solid when he was healthy last year. Have to side with Drew this week, but I think the Colon’s could be really solid this year if they make the right decisions on who to start each week.
Drew 108 - 104 Colon Bros
… … vs. The DM Doctor (Jake vs. Naughton)
If it wasn’t for AB being an ass, I think we would all agree that Jake has the best roster in the league right now. Zeke coming back locked up David Johnson for Jake in the 1st round, and he has Cooper Kupp in his flex who was a top 5 WR last year before he lost his ACL. And, his progress has him back to 100% and ready to go for the season. Phillip Lindsey was criminally undervalued by everyone in his league, and Guice and Fitzgerald on his bench. I love Jake’s team. Naughton picked up Thielen again, who is coming off of a career year and has some nice pieces on his bench like Tarik Cohen, Darrell Henderson, and Golden Tate. That said, his starting lineup isn’t as strong as I thought it would be. I mean, Barkley and Adams is a great combo, and Amari Cooper in the flex is pretty disgusting. But, I don’t like the depth of Naughton’s team. That said, it’s week 1 and Saquon the Maquon Barkley is about to have a season to prove he’s worth more than Zeke is.
Naughton 102 - 99 Jake
Cubby’s Social Butthole vs. Cub’s Dick Chubb (Kevin vs. Cubby)
Love how 4 team names are about me. 33% of your team names. Shows I’m in your head already. Ross already beat the shit out of me before we even played a game. I love it. That said, I really don’t love my team and I think I’m going to need 4 weeks to figure out who doesn’t suck and which of my picks pan out. Going to need to make some moves in order to guarantee my return to the playoffs. Think my beer consumption and overall random dancing on draft day really got to my head. As for Kevin, I do like his team. Can’t go wrong with his overall solid skill positions. And, as Kevin usually does, he took some good late round flyers including Melvin Gordon. If Gordon ends up being good, I will off myself for not picking him before Kevin. If not, Kevin’s team might struggle a bit in depth. We will see who he shits on in a trade later this season by moving Gordon. Drew, don’t fall for that shit again. That all said, I don’t think he will win a 3rd Shiva. If he wins 2 in a row, does that mean he’s in a committed relationship with Shiva? Did she come back to him? I don’t want to have to answer these questions. And I don’t want to hear that kids stupid voice and see the dumb way he humps Shiva. That said, we can assume by his Shiva hump that Kevin loves doggy style. Which, he will do to me week 1.
Kevin 105 - 88 Cubby
Week 1 Prediction Summary
Smith > Ross
Matt > Josh
Drew > Tyler
Naughton > Jake
Kevin > Cubby
In future weeks, I will have more stats to back my guesses. It’s week 1, no data to use. Can’t wait to make some 7-layer dip and chill out on Sunday and watch all the football. Keep in mind, we have a discord server where we can hop on a call and watch the games if you’re watching them all on your own. Cheers guys, happy start of the football season, and enjoy my butthole while you can!