Sorry about the lack of predictions the last few weeks. Between traveling 4 out of the last 5 weeks and interviewing for a new job I’m pretty excited about, I’ve been busy. First off, let me just say that the wedding was a blast. Josh, congrats on getting married and becoming an adult. We have yet to see how that will play out for your fantasy career. For a lot of golfers, they go to shit once they get married. But, for people like Sergio, you win the masters once you get married. Anyway, it was good to see everyone. I’m glad that I wasn’t alone on the dance floor as we all went hard. Good times were had.
Anyway, moving onto this week’s matchups. We had a lot of separation in the league last week. We have a 4-0 team in Josh, and an 0-4 team in Matt Davis. This week, I think we have a lot of important matchups. There are only 13 weeks in the regular season, but we have some teams that need to prove themselves with a small sample size so far in the fantasy season. We’re gonna see this week if those teams are really as good or bad as we thought they would be.
Bang Dem Sticks vs. 2-2 (Colons vs. Smith)
Leonard Fournette made up for a lot of bull shit last week by taking a massive 200+ yard dump that would be considered by most as a human rights violation. It was far from sanitary. At least Tyler left it off the field and on his bench, as the league was quick to point out. Despite that though, Bang Dem Sticks still banged their way to the 2nd highest point total in the league last week. Teams an absolute beast and is a terror to go up against. Smith took a rough L last week as the Browns came back from the dead and marched into Baltimore to face fuck the Ravens. Baker just had to prove that he’s better than Lamar Jackson, and remind Skip Bayless that he’s an uneducated fuck and the only reason he got paid is because he makes people like Stephan A. Smith and Shannon Sharpe look smart. That’s not easy to do. Will Smith do that this week? Well, good thing for Smith is that he does have some depth. Bad thing for Smith is that Tyler has more depth at RB than all of us in the league combined. Dalvin Cook isn’t playing the Bears this week, and it’s time for Lamar Jackson to have a revenge game against the Steelers. I’ve got Tyler moving to 4-1.
I Hate Fantasy Football vs. Big Gay (Jake vs. Matt)
Despite being 0-4, Matt Davis probably doesn’t have the worst team in the league. This week at least, because Gallman is most likely going to play again. Matt has made some nice moves though. He got himself a wide receiver and a RB that can actually break a tackle. Darren Waller was a really solid pickup. Tyreek Hill is going to come back soon and he might find himself competing for a playoff spot, or competing to win the Sacko Bowl. And not like win the Sacko, like beat the rest of the teams in there. Gonna give the nod to experience this year. With that said, Patrick Mahomes is Zeus on the fantasy football field. He has godlike powers that no one else can possess. His only weakness is playing indoors because he can’t command lightning to strike at any time. Well, this week he’s back outside and despite Jake having the majority of his roster on the road, he has some really good matchups. Jake takes the dub.
Cub’s Dick Chubb vs. The DM Doctor (Cubby vs. Naughton)
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think the league wants me to win this game. Never in my life have I heard so much anger behind getting ghosted. Naughton is just the hot girl in the league. Everyone in the league wants to fuck his team, and he has options in who he talks to. That said, I like my chances this week. Naughton’s team is like the 49ers. How the fuck is this team 3-1? (3-0 for SF, yes I know). Naughton ran into the team that was so drunk last week that he just got to take advantage of them for free. That’s his specialty, find the lesbians that make some bad decisions and boom Naughton walks into a fat girl 3-some. “Still counts!” - The Lonely Island. That said, you all shit on my for my team being bad before the season starts and I’m sitting at 2-2. I’ve already played Josh and Kevin and got my 2 losses from those squads, which bodes well for me moving forward considering Kevin got The Flash back and Josh is dicking down the entire league. Time for me to take advantage of Naughton who is still missing Barkley, and take the dub this week and get revenge for all of you who got ghosted by this kid. No analysis needed, look at this kids roster.
Cubby’s Social Butthole vs. Motherfuckerr Jones (Kevin vs. Josh)
It’s funny how Kevin’s team is called Cubby’s Social Butthole when ever year he jumps into Ross’s butthole and pulls out a stupid trade. Yes, Ross I understand that the trade helped your team. But, I don’t plan on being in the Sacko, and you just gave Kevin a really good shot at another Shiva. Fuck this. Kevin is 2-2 and is walking into this week with Julio Jones + Melvin Gordon on his roster. This could very well be a preview of the Shiva bowl as Josh’s team is already on fire this season. Josh had some great picks with a lot of value behind them. Sterling Shephard and Chris Godwin, who would’ve seen those 2 receivers being as good as they are? Josh did. Alvin Kamara has been a steady 25 points every week just as we expect from the most exciting player in the NFL to watch outside of Mahomes. That said, Kevin’s new and improved super team is going to move to 3-2 as he marches his way to a 1st round bye.
Cubby’s Bengal Tiger Moves vs. Kerryon My Wayward Son (Ross vs. Drew)
Much like how Ryan Naughton doesn’t deserve to be 3-1, Drew doesn’t deserve to be 1-3. Those records should be swapped for all intensive purposes when looking at the rosters and the points scored throughout the first 4 weeks of the season. This always happens to a team in fantasy every year. Last year it was Josh and Smith. This year it has been Drew. Dude is just taking a dick pounding every week. And it sucks because he is putting up points. This week, Drew finally gets to add a much deserved W to his win column as he moves to 2-3. I still fully expect Drew’s team to be a lock for the playoffs as it has looked nothing but solid and consistent in the first few weeks of the season. As for Ross’ team…
“Hey Kevin, can you just push this game through so we can set our lineups and be comfortable with them for week 6? Thanks.”
Summary
Colons>Smith
Jake>Matt
Cubby>Naughton
Kevin>Josh
Drew>Ross
Naughton falling back to where he belongs in the standings. Happy #MeanGirlsDay
