So last week I went 3-2 with my predictions, not bad. That brings my record up to 18-17. I’m above .500, a good place to be. I’m about to be .500 in fantasy after this week, and I don’t want to hear shit about it. My roster has been an infirmary the last 4 weeks. With injuries and bye weeks, it’s been tough. No one was giving Jake shit when he had 4 players hurt at the start of the season. If you want to give me shit, give me shit for the Juju for Dalvin Cook trade. I traded for a hamstring, and hamstrings are literally sticking it in my ass this year. Like I’m not a doctor and don’t know how a muscle could fit in an anus, but that’s what’s happening to me this year. I opted into one of them, got rekt with the Fournette pick. Whatever. You guys better hope I lose games in the next few weeks because come week 11, my roster is strong and you don’t want me in the playoffs. That said, probably dropping to 4-4 and anyways here’s the long version of my predictions. Sorry WordPress was being dumb yesterday. Not going to make a “lets get this bread” joke cause that’s the gayest shit since the planking trend.
Jake Loves His Sloppy Seconds vs. Kiss Dem Titties Mitch
Look at Kevin’s team week 1. Now look at Kevin’s team now. Look at Drew’s team week 1. Now look at Drew’s team now. Guys, how the fuck did this all happen? 1 man: Le’Veon Bell. He could’ve went to Tyler’s team and sat on his bench because Tyler had Conner already. Instead we veto’d the trade and allowed Bell to run train on this league. Kevin got Michael Thomas and Christian McCaffrey in trades involving Bell. The other dudes Kevin let go of are on IR. Kevin traded away Marshawn Lynch and Albert Wilson and Peyton Barber: all who are on IR or just hurt in Barber’s case. Kevin, what did you sell your soul to this year? How can you predict all of these injuries. Are you apart of the reason why Cook and Fournette’s hamstrings are fucked? I don’t know. Either way, fuck you and fuck anyone who traded with Kevin cause you’re at fault for this. Anyway, Drew’s team has a rough schedule ahead and is going to need every win possible. He has a bit of a chance this week, and it helps that Kevin left Drake on his bench. Kevin has some touch matchups this week as Green Bay has to go to LA to play the Rams. The Jets defense isn’t bad and KC’s defense has been playing a lot better. Sanders has been on fire and Kevin’s key player. Pretty much, Kevin has only had arguably 1 or 2 deals that haven’t worked out for him out of like 6. That’s pretty good, and Kevin is a gamer for the rest of the year at 5-3 after he beats Drew this week.
Big Dick Bandits vs. Cubby Cleanup Crew
Naughton. Best team in the league and I have 7 players out due to bye’s and injuries. My team is a fucking infirmary. I would need a miracle. Naughton wins easy. Have you heard of Trenton Cannon? I sure haven’t and yet I might have to start this dude this week. That sucks. Year 3 of being single, poor, unemployed, and in the sacko bowl? At least I have a job for now (although writing all of this shit at work probably doesn’t help my cause).
Mr. Fifth Place vs. Cubbys Commiserable Chode
It’s good to have Smith back in the GroupMe. Shit’s funnier when he’s roasting people. It was also fun to see Lamar Miller produce in the Lamar Miller revenge game. About time the Texans had a high scoring game this season because we all know they have the talent to do so. Fuller also have a big game as he dropped 21 points before tearing his ACL and is now out for the season. Too bad, as Fuller is a very talented player. Also sucks for Josh as most of his depth lies within his RB’s and he also has Zeke out this week. For like the 3rd time this year, I’m picking Smith to win this game. Don’t fuck me here again dude. My team sucks and all I have going for me is these predictions where I’m a bit over .500. OBJ and AP gonna go off. Tom Brady plays the Bills, who are official property of Tom Brady and the Patriots. You’re still doomed for the season but any wins that Smith gets help out the rest of the league in this tight playoff race. We might be all of your biggest fans as the season comes down to the wire. My new theme for you is “don’t blow” not to be confused with “don’t do blow.” Plenty of great players did blow throughout history, like Giants great Lawrence Taylor. Whatever it takes to win, man.
Bang Dem Sticks vs. The Kidney Shifter
I’ve got Jake in this one for a few reasons. First off, we don’t know what Hyde is going to do and he was a key flex player for the Colon’s throughout the season. Jake has pretty much assumed those points (14ish a game) by absorbing Chubb off the waivers, which will be key as the season winds down. Have you guys seen Chubb’s schedule the rest of the way out? He plays brutal defenses only. Jake also grabbed Doug Martin who might also see a big role with Lynch out. Jake’s two biggest moves this year might’ve been in Jake’s acquisition of Chubb (heh). Meanwhile, the Colon’s have a few tough matchups this week as the Steelers are going up against a solid Brown’s defense and the Rams are against a Packers defense that have had a few dynamite performances. Do I think they are going to stop the Rams? Hell no. But, might hold Gurley to under 30 points. Who knows, that man is a beast. Don’t compare him to Marshall Faulk though cause he is one of the GOATS. Gurley has been incredible for 16 weeks of his career. Anyway, I like Jake as the Chiefs are taking on the Broncos at home. Chief’s D has created more takeaways (I’m even starting them this week) and the Broncos offense is going to struggle as both RB’s have been dinged up and Keenum hasn’t been anything special this year. I’ve got Jake. Weekly reminder that Gurley went #2 to Tyler and David Johnson went #1.
T C M vs. Rudolph the no Catch Reindeer
So I predicted Matt IF he started Brown and Mack didn’t play. Matt has Hines who was solid before Mack came back 2 weeks ago. Brown has been a great deep threat for Flacco who throws a good deep ball (not saying he’s a good QB). Michel going down for Matt hurts a lot. He was huge for Matt these past few weeks and still looks to be a threat as the season goes on. Ross has 5 players on bye and with his roster, it might be essential that Matt wins for his playoff hopes this week. Kreamy Cunt is gonna have to bring out some extra sauce if he wants this game because Hopkins went for 23 on Thursday night. That said, Cousins has to pass to win against a good NO Saints, Hilton is playing against the Raiders who are a giant OmegaLul in the NFL this year. Jon Gruden is absolutely trashing that team so he can have as many draft picks as possible and build his own team. This is why you don’t make your head coach president of operations and also give him stock in the franchise. Especially for a team that doesn’t even know what field they’re playing on in 2019. Don’t even think Spider Y 2 Banana can save this team. What a shit show. On the other side, Ross’ matchups aren’t quite as good. Green should be free points against TB, but the Jets have a decent defense that creates lots of takeaways. The Bengals get to the QB as he’s starting Winston this week. Really think that Matt can get big games from his team IF Mack doesn’t play. If he does, then Ross gets the nod. Sorry I can’t give a 100% prediction here. Just depends on injuries. Big playoff implications, but coming down to the wire every game is going to be that way unless you’re playing Naughton or Smith.
Prediction Summary
Kevin > Drew
Cubby < Naughton
Josh < Smith
Tyler < Jake
Ross > Matt (I think Mack plays)
Predicted Week 8 Standings
- Naughton (6-2)
- Colon’s (5-3)
- Kevin (5-3)
- Drew (5-3)
- Ross (4-4)
- Jake (4-4)
- Cubby (4-4)
- Josh (3-5)
- Matt (3-5)
- Smith (1-7)
Everyone watching fantasy matchups the last 5 weeks