Going 1-4 in predictions sucks. It doesn’t feel good, and now I’m under .500 for the season. But, taking a W against the top team in the league when you’re starting Buck Allen, Chris Ivory, and Jakeem Grant feels fucking amazing. How did I pull that shit off? God bless you Ginger Fist, the one week I need Andy Dalton he delivers. You were all saying “oh Kamara isn’t going to produce as much now that Ingram is back. Just look at his past few weeks.” Well, I’ll take 26 points from him every week. You all would. Let’s face it guys, I’m decent at Fantasy Football this year. The dark injury timeline has been resolved as I somehow stole a win against the best team in the league with 7 players on bye. Am I a God? No. But, are the Shiva God’s on my side this year? I think so. Now I have Amari Cooper back, Cooper Kupp possibly back, and in the next 2 weeks I’ll get Dalvin Cook and Leonard Fournette back. I may not go into the playoffs with the best seeding, but I’m a team to look out for if I get healthy. And, sitting here at 5-3 I’m pretty confident about making it into the playoffs.
Anyway, let us get into the predictions. I went 1-4 last week, bringing me to 2 games below .500. Let’s get those back this week.
Cubby Cleanup Crew vs. Rudolph the No Catch Reindeer
Naughton finished early last week. He was so excited to move to 6-2 that he forgot to think about his grandma before he went balls deep. Rookie move. Anyway, I turned around and somehow pulled a dick and a win out of his ass and now he’s against Matt’s team who needs a win to keep his playoff hopes alive. Can Naughton move to 5-4? The Saints are against the Rams which hurts everyone involved, as the Saints did upgrade their secondary and Woods is very likely to face Lattimore for most of the game. He also has Thielen who is bound for a big game against the Lions, but Matt gets a piece of that with Cousins starting. Matt has Jones coming off a huge week against the Vikings and the Lions did drop Tate. Matt also has Thomas who has a good QB throwing him the ball and will benefit lining up against CB 2’s as DeAndre Hopkins is still the most potent weapon on that offense. Matt takes a W and really shakes up the standings against Naughton this week. Like his matchups a lot more, and Naughton doesn’t have the back he thought he would have in Ingram.
Cubby’s Commiserable Chode vs. Big Dick Bandits
So far, I’m undefeated against names that make fun of me. Should’ve used this in my analysis last week when I voted for Naughten to beat me and then I won. I beat Smith earlier this year, and although everyone has been shitting on Smith I have kept faith in him. His roster now has some solid RB’s as Miller and AP have been producing of late, and Peyton Barber has upped his game. That said, Smith is missing OBJ this week. I know OBJ is a better QB than Eli who looks like a drunk on the field until the playoffs come around, but OBJ has gotten his head out of his ass the past few weeks and put up the numbers we expect from his talent. Smith has some good matchups this week, and I am still suffering from injuries. It would be poetic of Smith to get his first win against me after I took down one of the top dogs last week, but I’ve gotta vote on myself. Love that Kittle is against the Raiders and I don’t give a flying fuck who is throwing him the ball. The Bears are going to hammer it down with Howard cause the Bills are a high school football team, and Miller is against a good defense and Brady is going to be playing against the Packers in the cold. I’ve got Kamara, Kupp is back against a horrible team against slot receivers despite the upgrade they just made, and Alex Collins is hurt meaning Buck Allen is going to see more playing time. I just might secure my playoff spot this week with a W, and I think that’s going to happen.
Mr Fifth Place vs. Jake Loves His Sloppy Seconds
Drew made a great point in pointing out that Josh’s record this year is LWLWLWLW and he is sitting at 4-4. Kevin has turned his team around and is now 4-4 as well. Juicy matchup with a lot of playoff implications on the line. I’d have my butthole fully clenched if I was playing in this game, especially if I’m Josh as it’s an odd week. That said, I like Josh’s team a lot this week. Goodwin and Fitzpatrick made 3 babies in the end zone in the first 4 weeks of the season when Fitzpatrick was starting. Josh made a nice waiver wire add in Fitzmagic as he looks to make a playoff push. Unlike past years, Lockett is still seeing production despite a healthy Baldwin and has a favorable matchup against the Chargers. The Bears defense is going to absolutely violate the Bills, and Lindsey is coming off a big week. Josh’s team looks very strong. On the other side of the matchup, Kevin has the Packers against the Patriots which hurts Rodgers and Adams as the Patriots are rock solid at home. Also, Michael Thomas is against a steller Rams secondary. I’ve got Josh in this one, he’s got great matchups and is coming off a big week.
Kiss Dem Titties Mitch vs. The Kidney Shifter
Jake must win in order to keep his playoff hopes alive. Jake’s roster started off dinged up, and since he’s gotten healthier he has gone 2-2. Not what his goal was, and he has an uphill battle against Drew. Cam Newton is having an incredible year and is up against the Bucs defense. I don’t care what the over is in that game, take it. It’s free money. That said, I actually hate all of Drew’s matchups this week. Vikings have a good defense, Diggs is dinged up, the Steelers are against the Ravens. It’s Cam Newton going off for 35 or you’re done. Jake has Smith-Schuster against the Ravens too, but 3 players in the KC vs. Cle game is a good sign. Also, Melvin Gordon > Eckler and Latavius Murray is likely to see a lot of play if Cook is out. Jordan Howard could be a great start too for Jake as the Bears are going to violate the Bills. I’ve got Jake keeping his playoff hopes alive. I said Drew was going to win one more game this season, and I’ve gotta stick by that (although I believe the last trade he made helps his cause).
T C M vs. Bang Dem Sticks
The ego matchup of the century. Tyler butts in the groupme to drop jokes he thought up for 2 hours which are funny. Ross drops in there whenever he wants to tell us that the fantasy season is over and Bama is going to win it all. Either way, it’s pretty annoying. It’s also annoying how good these teams are. Tyler has the top 2 RB’s in fantasy football this season, and one was picked off of the waiver wire. Absolutely disgusting. Ross has made some pretty solid deals that makes his WR core horrifying. That said, A.J. Green, Mack, Johnson, and Christian Kirk are all on bye. I’ve gotta take the Colon’s in this matchup. I don’t care who Todd Gurley and James Conner play, they’re good for 40+ combined at a minimum. Also, Julio plays against a good Redskins defense who just added another piece to one of the best secondaries in the league. Marquise Goodwin is going to be catching a ball from someone who has never started an NFL game. Ross’ team is short this week, got to give it to the Colon’s who have a better lineup pound for pound this week. I always fuck up the prediction of the game Ross is in, let’s hope I actually get this one right.
Prediction Summary AKA Cubby write less you aren’t funny
Naughton < Matt
Smith < Cubby
Josh > Kevin
Drew < Jake
Ross < Colon’s
Week 9 Predicted Standings
- Colon’s (7-2)
- Drew (6-3)
- Cubby (6-3)
- Naughton (5-4)
- Josh (5-4)
- Kevin (4-5)
- Ross (4-5)
- Jake (4-5)
- Matt (4-5)
- Smith (0-9)
Smith when I take him to Pound Town round 2