What a fucking week guys.
GAME OF THE WEEK!
Matt vs Naughton
As I alluded to in my last review, Naughton was going to lose this week and ohh what a loss it was. You lost by 60 pts, with Saquon, your team is about as durable as papier-mâché in a thunderstorm. Matt this is your ceiling and if you keep this up your playoff hopes are not completely dead but if i shook an 8ball it would probably say “outcome unlikely”.
Kevin vs Ross
Ross another traumatic loss and honestly this was the week to play Kevin. His team was at his most vulnerable without CMC. Kevin probably should pray every week in the hopes that CMC can stay healthy. Spinzone: East coast games were all plagued with torrential rain leading to poor scores across most of FF. Spinzone for the Spinzone: Atlanta played in a dome. Ross has shit players and so do the falcons.
Jake vs Smith
Contrary to popular belief, Jake’s team is bad. We were able to say Jake’s team was unlucky but it just isn’t working out for you this year. Now don’t get it twisted Smith’s team hasn’t been touched by King Midas either but enough people will probably implode leaving you a slot in the playoffs. Okay. I can’t let this go, Jake this might have been the worst scoreline since we switch to half point but you should be punished if your team begins in a 5. Wake up and smell the rotting dolphin carcass, you are in loser territory.
Cubby vs Tyler
Tyler’s team wins again and cubby’s team inches closer and closer to being really shit. Tyler’s team is like the Pats, they have had a very easy season excluding a game or 2 but it will actually probably crash and burn with no warning. When we ask “what happened?” you will exhibit radio silence that will make us question your loyalty to the league. Cubby it’ll be good to see you stewing back in the Sacko. #cantwait
Drew vs Josh
What a dog fight. My team fell apart at the seems, everything bad that could happen happened. Kerryon is hurt. Half of my games were played underwater and it just wasn’t good. Josh your team rightfully lost. It was full of injuries/suspensions/byes. We both had terrible weeks but it’s no secret we both are playoff bound teams.
That was week 7 and it was bad except for Matt.
Comparisons
Drugs.
Matt Davis: Adderall
You are laser focused and a very smart option when technical difficulties arise. You stay up all night doing something just look at it in the morning realizing you’ve created something that nobody really wants (discord server)
Ross: Sugar
BECAUSE YOURE FAT
Ross 2.0: Paint Thiner/Whipitz/Sharpies
At this point you are desperately chasing a high that you won’t achieve with this drug (team). When you were younger this drug might have worked but it just doesn’t compete with the new shit. And just like when you run you need to huff and puff to make this one work.
Tyler: Meth
Because youre on meth, you think it’s the best fucking thing ever. You talk and talk and talk about how great it is but nobody else is into it... and then nobody hears from you because you might be dead in a ditch or in a Malibu rehab center.
Kevin: Runner’s high
You are fucking dumb. You are clean and good for the body(league). Statistically speaking you’re probably the best drug but most of us don’t trust the literature behind you.
Naughton: Opium
Weirdly, Chinese Girls probably love you and your very white self. When introduced to the league people were all about you, but you’re actually not all that great, their are others who probably could do a better job like your younger brother Fentanyl.
Jake: Ketamine
At first this seems like a great idea, it’s like the whole package, it’s a tranq, a downer, a hallucinogen, and an anesthetic all rolled into a convenient key bump. You stumble in a glorious stupor, it’s like you unlocked the secret to drugs. Is this what it feel like to be one with Shiva? and then nothing.... complete and utter darkness! You float, weightlessly through the vast nothingness that is your mind... you try to put a thought together but you cannot. As far as you know this is what life is like now. Suddenly a synapses fires and connects with another, you are regaining consciousness. You try and remember what happened to yourself but you only remember a few flashes from the day prior. You look at your phone... it’s 6pm... You slept the entire day, how could this have happened? You go to stand up and realize your legs are not working and you’ve pissed the bed...luckily you haven’t shit yourself. How did this happen? It was the horse grade tranquilizer that you so eagerly took last night... you vow to never do it again but you know yourself all too well, that if the opportunity arose again, you would try your best to take a reasonable amount to enjoy all the pleasures of being so close to Shiva but in all actuality you will always succumb to the K(evin) Hole.
Cubby: Crack
Dude, you need to chill. You are not only dangerous to bring to a social gathering but you also mess mother fuckers up, and not in a good way. Crack makes you say the weirdest fucking things and makes you do the weirdest fucking things all in the hopes that you achieve that perfect high that you will never be able to satisfy... instead you’ll just be left in a jail cell with a pink cock in your ass.
Josh: Alcohol
I think you’ve been around since like ancient Egypt or something... you were created because the system before you wasn’t working out and actually turned out to be a very popular addition to human society. The thing is some people don’t even consider you a drug (competitor) they think your just something else And for those who do think you’re a drug, they know you’re not the best but you certainly aren’t the worst.
Smith: Molly
Whoa, chicks dig you and that’s pretty cool. You are like an all night party and really fun to be around but what goes up must come down. This partying can only go on for so long before anxiety, weight fluctuation, dementia, depression and high blood catch up with you and on the morning of your 51st birthday you will be inside some girl’s mouth... too bad you died before you came.
Drew: LSD
I am praised for my creativity and for being very matter-a-fact. I am for the well educated from US to Great Britain with a firm grasp on history. I have a tormented side that many should avoid lest be stung by my #firewojo wrath... *play the video, i wanna see what I’m like high on acid*, Im a fucking idiot this is just 14 hours of me talking about nothing and staring at curtains. You are not intelligent, you just think you are....but you are definitely a good time.