Drew's Week 1 Review

 

Week 1 match ups

Kevin vs Smith
Well that didn’t take long. Kevin’s super team scored 144 pts in a week where across the league we saw mediocre scores. For those uninitiated Naughton saw what I did to him last year and said hey i would like to do that again but make it way worse for me. Kevin gave up his first pick and some beans for just a bunch of picks which allowed Kevin to just fill out his team. Do i think there are unusable players on his bench sure but who cares? He certainly doesn’t, the team is too good. Smith team isn’t bad but it really was slapped by this weird week. Not much to say when the discrepancy between the two teams is so large. 

Naughton vs Tyles
Does this even count? The ff artist formally known as Tai Verdes drafted his own team back to the sacko. That being said… i think Tyles has pieces that are valuable and even good if they can guess the right weeks which, lets face it, he won’t. Tykes’ set it and forget method only works with Kevin now. Naughton your Homer Simpson meme of a team is sexy in the front with CMC and JJ and stapled up by Washington and Detroit’s 3rd string RBs. Naughton’s built for the playoffs but he’s shooting for the Shiva bowl. Not the Shiva herself.
Naughton lacks heart and will sell the league down the river for a first round draft pick. That being said he scored the 2nd most points so good on him.

Ross vs Josh
During the noon games i thought this match up was wide open. Burrow had like 4 INTs and a fumble and Josh had some pieces yet to play who could open it up. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be in this early season rival clash. Definitely the biggest match of the year in possible drama but it happening week 1 kind of undercut it. Josh’s receivers deserve another week or two, especially Mooney with that rain… but GB have a strong D. Ross has some of the best players in FF however his team is lacking depth but that rarely kills a playoff push unless you don’t know how to react. If Ross keeps scoring like this he might snag that first round bye.


Drew vs Jake
Terrible match up. It was weird, It never felt like I was going to lose but the score line was so low at one point that literally anything happening could have changed the match up… it did close on Monday night but the Broncos did everything in their power to keep Jake from winning. Javonte’s goal line fumble comes to mind but I digress. My team is not without criticism with a lot of them looking like poopoo like my RBs. One good thing for both Jake and I is we had a few players each who had double digit TDs or like 100 yard games on our benches! Also my winning streak continues! (11-0) and even if I “lose” to Naughton I’ll keep the steak alive because he used blood magic.


Matt vs Cubby
Bro what did Matt do to piss off the Fantasy gods? Did he DDoS Shiva and this is her revenge? Matt drafted a team that I thought looked good baring one player but that’s irrelevant sorta… but his entire team already has an injury designation from his RB to his Kicker. But his team was still good enough to put Cubby down like Bambi’s mom and his bench still looks deep with players like Michael Thomas. Cubby also has a decent team but with a significant hole or two that really need to be addressed. But his loyalty to Kelce might be a master stroke in the end.

And that’s week 1. Welcome back boys


 
Comparisons
In honor of her majesty Queen Elizabeth II dying I will be comparing you all to monarchs.

Naughton: Henry VIII
This motherfucker claimed a bunch bitches all over game. He would fall in love with a potential wife. Set a claim, sometimes get a good one but that doesn’t matter he’d usually chop their head off after a bad week despite being the London game or he’d send them to a nunnery (the bench) never to see the field again.

Kevin: Mansa Musa
This guy had so much draft capital, that while on pilgrimage to see the birth place of Shiva he tanked the Egyptian economy with multiple 3rd and 4th rounders. Probably the richest person ever btw. 
 
Tyles: Queen Latifah
You better find U N I T Y with those picks of yours our your going to be voice acting straight to stream Ice Age movies with Hunter Renfrow. She did win a Grammy tho

Smith: Francis I of France
This guy lived a pretty great life. Threw like 19 million dollar parties in today’s money…became Holy Roman Emperor by conquest of the Italian states but here’s the thing none of you probably know him because he didn’t like conquer all of Europe (win a shiva).

Matt: Louis XIV
Only a man referred to as the “Sun King” could have won the Shiva. He’s was a patron of Science and Art and due to all of this he built Versailles. Plus he can really grow some flowing locks.

 
Ross: Lord Robert Baratheon
Big Bazza the Bold. Notice this doesn’t say king. Ross needs to prove himself worthy this season! Will he usurp the crown from the Mad King? Who knows! He has legitimacy from his grandmother (Jonathan Taylor) idk if he does it in this timeline… I mean the lord of Storms End (Tuscaloosa)?Kind of a back water if you ask me… all i do know is if he ever becomes king he will be shit at it.

Jake: Alfred of England
This king of all Anglo-Saxons is referred to as the first King of England but he wasn’t. He was King of like half of it. He almost did it a few times like when he kicked Danes out of East Anglia (First Shiva Bowl) or when he married is Daughter to unite Mercia and Wessex (Second shiva bowl) just to die by Chrones disease (Cubby)

 
Josh: King Dedede of Dream Land
This isn’t just because I wish you had the voice of King D from the cartoon but it mostly because you get your ass handed to you by a weird pink blob (Russbin) every time you face off. You’re Shivas are just like your Kingdom… a Dream. 


Cubby: King George V
The first king to be known for his broadcasting. An unlikely ruler to thrown of this vast empire. He established himself as a competent ruler after World War 1… a collector of Stamps, not women.

Drew: Alexander the Great
Just like A$AP said, I came, I saw and I, Andrew Conquer this league for second time. Took down losers in Phoenicia (Sacko Bowl Losers) made Giza my bitch (Kevin) Syria was no challenge (Ross) Balkins were pushovers (Cubby) and I defeated the old enemy Persia (Naughton) like it was war games. I have earned my title of “Great”
and I share a birthday with the Macedonian.

That’s it you fucks.